#05 Find your place

In highly individualistic societies, it requires salience to fit in, yet conformity to belong. You must be exceptional to be worthy, yet not too “special” to avoid being labeled a weirdo. Navigating through social expectations can be tough. But we can´t escape our emotional need to be accepted as members of a social group. Therefore, if we want to belong, we have to obey.

Or maybe not?

Consciously or not, we all comply with a set of social norms in our daily lives. It´s the way we speak, to which places we go, and what we do. We follow the unwritten rules of behavior that are considered acceptable. And since we are highly adaptable beings, we usually fine-tune our behavior depending on which group we interact with.

To belong, we are constantly challenged to blend in reasonably and stick out sufficiently. Be “normal” yet interesting enough so people want to hang out with you.

We celebrate diversity and integrity. Cultures transcend national borders. The increasing connectedness and interdependence of the world created a wild mix of social norms. And so it happened that it´s not unusual anymore to work in a team where everyone comes from a different corner of the world, has a different background, culture, and beliefs.

To make this work, it takes much tolerance. And sometimes, it feels like you have to sacrifice your own integrity to work or live in an international, multicultural, neutral, and detached environment. Today people are so sensitive to political correctness that we stopped saying what we truly think.

That´s bad. Really bad.

Firstly, only through honest conversations can we evolve in our thinking and, ergo, behavior. That also means you will have to face uncomfortable and sometimes hurtful conversations. It´s part of life. And it is good. Because if everyone tiptoes around everybody's feelings, we can't practice resilience or strengthen our debating skills. It´s ok to be challenged by different opinions and world views. And we don´t have to agree on every single topic and still can live peacefully next to each other.

And secondly, not everybody likes you. Period. Get over it.

Not everybody will like you because our intrinsic core values vary from person to person. And if these values show considerable friction in between, you won´t like each other very much. That´s normal. And it´s ok.

On the other hand, if your core values complement each other, you have a robust foundation for an inspiring and flourishing relationship. Whether it is a romantic relationship or a deep friendship.

The problem many face today is that because of forced inclusivity, they circumvent the process of investigating, forming, and establishing their personal core values. No wonder so many feel lonely and lost. Unsurprisingly, so many feel “out of place” and want to run away.

But if you don´t know who you are, you don´t know where to run. So people start running and running until they are exhausted and confused. The perfect prey for life coaches, astrology, and every other business in the mental health market.

Know yourself.

Have you ever thought about your core values?

Core values define what matters to you as an individual. They are your root beliefs. There are many examples and step-by-step guides on determining your core beliefs. So instead of repeating them here, I share my core values with you as an example of how they can help one navigate through life.

There is no correct number of values you should have; for me, the perfect number is five.

My five Core Values:

Security (through knowledge):

I spend every day several hours reading and researching. It´s fun and incredibly satisfying. To understand means to know what to do next. To understand one thing means you can take on the next question. I feel safe when I´m with someone knowledgeable. I can't stand fake self-confidence.

Passion:

I love seeing the spark in people´s eyes when they do something they truly genuinely love. There is nothing more attractive than people in their element. As for myself, I never feel more alive when I do something I love. People can easily detect if you do something for money or because you love it. Whenever you can, choose passion.

Caring:

I don´t care about many things, but I deeply care about the people I love. I can´t be bothered by the suffering on the other side of the world (and I don´t care if this is politically incorrect), but if a loved one struggles, it becomes a personal matter for me too. To care means to show up, no matter what.

Result:

Everything has an end. Sometimes things end positively, and sometimes not. I´m totally ok with that. But I can't endure “never-ending stories.” It´s important to me to come to a conclusion, a result. And once done, it´s almost impossible to reverse it. It only can be updated, but not manipulated.

Authenticity:

To me, authenticity means being true to myself. I´d rather walk away from people than compromise on the things I described above.

Whenever I have to make difficult decisions or I have the feeling of being stuck, I go back to my core values. If your decisions are based on and by your values, you won´t regret any of them, even if they are bad ones.

Know yourself.

And you can stop fighting.

You will find your place.

You will know where you belong.